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Do you know what it feels like to be hated so much, that someone wants you dead and that they would do everything in their power to hurt you?

Since my first day of college in August 2002, I have been trying to figure out where I fit in. I have searched for my place, and I have realized that I belong right where I am.

You may have broke my heart. You may have broke my spirit. You may have spent every ounce of energy in the past year slandering me. But you haven't broken me. I won't be intimidated into changing who I am. But keep trying -- it only makes me stronger.

"ill do everything in my power to not hurt you, no matter what.
i dont think i could hurt you though, i couldnt live with myself if i did"



initial reaction:
:: eye roll::

follow up reaction:
:: butterfies ::

this is just the beginning.

the change that i need is still to come, and i think i am ready for it.

my experience over the past two years has nurtured my own strength and courage. i always had it, but it needed to grow and mature. i feel clear-headed. i feel now that the talking has come to an end, and i am ready to begin the rest of my life.

so let's lay it on the table and get a few things straight, in chronological order:

1. there is no changing the past, so there is no point in dwelling on it.

2. moving to michigan may have been under the wrong pretenses, but it happened. it may not have turned out as i wanted, but it provided me with a perspective i was unable to have before.

3. D. broke my heart. period. it came and it went. he wasn't ready for a commitment, and i ended it based on one simple reason: i knew what would happen before it did, so i tried to spare us the pain. well, the cheating happened anyway, and the pain happened. but now he and i are able to focus on our own paths.

4. my sister needs her own life. it's time to let her go. and her wedding will mark this transition.

5. i am who i am. i am outspoken, and emotional, amongst other things. but if that bothers you, it's your choice to be friends with me. shit or get off the pot.

6. similarly, people change. people evolve. so do friendships.

7. everything is a choice. choose wisely.

8. i'm not a coward for moving home. i'm a coward for staying in a place i am undervalued, under-appreciated, and used. i'd be an idiot to ignore the real friends who have supported me for years, and not want to be closer to them.

9. the relationships and experiences i have in michigan -- both good and bad, lasting and not -- will not be forgotten. there are people here i don't want to leave, but in the end, this is my life, and i have to do what is best for me. and a true friend would want that for me. i won't forget the experiences, but i won't be reminded incessantly of it either.

10. confidence, belief and trust in oneself is the greatest gift you can give to yourself.

11. i'm done pleasing other people.

i'm done dealing with people's shit.

yesterday, i bought a Wii.

1. sometimes you lose friendships you don't mean to. and other times you lose ones you do.

2. there are times in your life when you have to trade what you love for who you love. and while it is easy to say that one shouldn't have to make that choice or distinction, you do.

what goes around comes around.

and the times you think that no one is watching, turns out they are.

it’s been a year.

i hope it’s enough time.

i haven’t written in months, so you know things must be good.

coming to michigan gave me perspective. i think it’s probably the first thing in my life that i ever did for me.

sometimes i don’t think i can do it all by myself. but then i realize how much people are rooting for me to fail, and it motivates me to succeed.

some part of me always thought that i was lying to myself, and that i only wanted to be a web designer, because it was different than everyone else. i couldn’t be judged or graded the same if i was doing different work. and when i finally got a job as a web designer, i still thought i was lying, but sitting here coding has convinced that i might have a clue after all.

it feels really strange to be doing something for me. to be free from family and repression.





i don’t want to be negative anymore.

i just can’t believe I up and left my life in New England. It seems very surreal that I am now living in the Midwest and as of January, be supporting myself on my own. but i think this was for the best. So many people have reassured me that this is what I needed for so long.

edit:
being in a relationship out here is just a perk. but that's not why i stayed.

i’ve heard a lot of people say that they “found their voice” at simmons.

I think i found my inner bitch, and I pray to god, that’s not my voice.

As a freshman at simmons, I told myself that it would force me to learn to get along with girls and women. Now, as a graduate, I realize that women, as friends, and women, as women, can bring out the best of you, and the worst of you. And oddly enough, usually at the same time.

All I know is this: it is four years later, there are some people that I would go the wrong way down a one-way street anytime. that i would dance to 80s music to. that i would go bold or go home. and that i would become engrossed in computer science lingo for hours.

we’ve been a lot, as women with emotions.
as designers, with 140 more sketches to go.
and, most importantly, as friends.

i am so proud of my friends. because even now, they (hopefully) don’t hold myself against me. i know they are all gonne be so successful and so great. you ladies know who you are. go give the “real world” a run for its money!

i hate you.

saying no makes me feel like crap.
saying yes makes me feel like crap.


it’s so hard to change.

There isn't every enough APPRECIATION given...

for every girlfriend put on the back burner
for every soldier
for every good samaritan
for every person who holds a door open
for every friend who lets others cry on their shoulder
for every driver who lets others in front of them on the road
for every person who uses a directional
for every daughter who supports her family
for every person whose strength carries everyone else
for every person who sacrificed something and never got anything in return

we all take advantage of something or someone,
take this oppurtunity to tell them.



appreciation goes a long way.
thank someone today.

You really don't need much right now -- except for peace, privacy and the coziest comforter money can buy. You're all about staying in and getting cozy. Accept nothing but the best during your downtime.

"I'm afraid to see what stockings you'll be wearing tomorrow. "


so true, so true.

sometimes things happen in our life that we can't do anything about, except think "i don't ever want it to be like this again."

and that might be the only motivation we have.

i know it's not fair to take my anger out on you, especially when it's not you that i am angry at. but it's just so easy when you are there for me, and you support me.
i've never had that before. it's comforting. it's also uncontrollable for me to vent to you now.

school, has never before been so unappetizing, and unmotiviating. how can this be? i was ready for this semester. I was ready to be so finished with school. and then kurplunk.
it
all
fell down
today.

he said we all have days like this.
i told him it happens to me daily.

and that's truth.
because i don't think i can ever get rid of the pessimistic thoughts. and because of that, i fear, we will never step forward.

i am sorry.
and i love you.
but i'm unsure of how much i can change right now.

i don't want to be where i am.
i can't stand it.
i need a way out.


and why am i so emotional these days??

everytimes i see you, i get more and more used to it.
... then i have to say goodbye, and it never gets easier.

you live too far away.

but i still love you.